What if the 2020 election was a Kaiju (monster) battle?

2020 kaiju election

It’s a Sunday, and after doing a ton of yard work I could be sitting back drinking a beer and enjoying anime (yes I am an odd mix).But instead, after mindlessly watching some Youtube videos I was inspired to work. Because if we look at the current state of politics, there be monsters out there.

So let me start off with a couple of items. First, I do not own the rights to any kaiju (animalistic creatures the size of skyscrapers) mentioned. Second, I haven’t seen the latest Godzilla movie yet.Third, some elected officials may be used more than once. Fourth, the list was made by me for fun so you may or may not enjoy it. Finally, I want to credit Screen Rant on Youtube for inspiring this idea.

Kaiju candidates

14) Zilla / Kirsten Gillibrand

A poor imitation, with little understanding of the original. No one likes this kaiju, and it gets no respect from any of the others on this list. The less said, the better.

13) M.U.T.O. (1 and 2)  / Cory Booker and Amy Klobuchar

Parasites obsessed with consumption and reproduction. They will go to any lengths to achieve their goals. Unstable in temperament,completely without concern for their surroundings. They feed on waste and deadly toxins, bolstering themselves in preparation of giving birth to abomination that can surely destroy society as we know it.

12) Space Godzilla  / Hillary Clinton

A deep thinking, strategic monster. Planning for the long-term, amassing power and setting traps for their foes. Power hungry and willing to decimate in a scorched earth approach to win at all costs. Appearing from nowhere, and having poor skills to actually engage in the battles without the traps and schemes set, a strong opponent.

11) Battra / Bill de Blasio

Looking similar to a hero, but in fact deformed and malignant this monster has no desire to share the planet with any human. Old and unloved, the beast evolves from a sluggish nature to a more grotesque nightmare. It’s swath of destruction more than makes up for its lesser stature among the kaiju.

10) Megaguirus / Elizabeth Warren

An evil kaiju that enjoys the pain it dishes out.While its insectoid looks may lead one to think there is little here, the monster is motivated by greed and emotional suffering. it will take advantage of the young and their inherent weaknesses just to increase its advantage.

9) Titanosaurus / Bernie Sanders

A seemingly calm and unassuming kaiju, this dinosaur can still be quite dangerous. Though it spent untold years living off the life of the oceans, it is easily manipulated by dark forces. Once activated and fully under mind-control, destruction follows in its wake. A reminder that even an overlooked and useless monster can still cause long lasting upheaval.

8) Hedorah / Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez

Roaring to earth from left of space is a kaiju unlike any other. A hideous beast that shifts forms to suit its needs. It’s one consistent attack is a spew of poisonous bile that it also consumes to sustain itself. While it can work with other kaiju, and has been mind controlled by dark forces, normally this foul offense is most comfortable on its own, giddy at the havoc it creates.

7) Mecha-Godzilla / Robert ‘Beto’ O’Rourke

Not all kaiju are what they seem. At first glance this foreign robotic behemoth looks like a hero, but its actions instantly put the observant on guard. In little time the true nature of this programmed object of destruction shows itself. Still, for all the shiny glitz and initial pizzazz, ultimately there isn’t much substance to this remote controlled knock-off.  Yet it just won’t die.

5) Kumonga / Andrew Yang

Perhaps one of the least impressive kaiju. Most impressive as a single note phobia, this is the C team of monsters. But even as a bit player it does its best in supporting the real kaiju heavy-hitters in their ultimate battle.

4) Megalon / Joe Biden

Proof that being big, plodding, and dangerous does not mean smart. The singular biggest gaffe factory of all the kaiju. Prone to temper tantrums and constantly searching for stimuli, it’s headlong attack is the easiest to evade. If you want a kaiju tag-team partner to suck up all the easy blows, this is your target.

3) Gigan / Kamala Harris

The result of taking multiple dangerous aspects of kaiju and common items, putting them in a blender and and seeing what is the result. A completely controlled and automated beast, it comes back after defeat doubling down on the absurdity to keep on going. The ultimate in bad karma and poor planning, the very weapons that are its existence are its own doom.

2) Mothra – Jacob Hornberger / Justin Amash / Libertarian generic

Popular to many, this monstrous moth takes a beat down in every battle. Yet, a new incarnation always rises. Essentially the mythological equivalent to a phoenix in kaiju form. It loves humanity, and tries it’s best to protect the public, but everyone knows it will never win.

2020 Kaiju that don’t exist in the election

King Kong  -The only true challenger for the title of King of Kaiju. Historically the only one to face off evenly with the current champion. A classic that has no equal.

Jet Jaguar – A robot and beloved by children, the least kaiju on this list. While a fan favorite in a cult classic manner, there just isn’t any place for him.

(Dis)Honorable mentions

 Angirus / NancyPelosi

Even kaiju have their old, seemingly eternal filler fodder. A hawkish monster that claws only at the strongest of monsters, without any effect. While guaranteed defeat is never a deterrent, it is always the result for this outclassed and outdated relic of the ancient times.

Baragon / Charles ‘Chuck’ Schumer

The king of the ‘duck-and-cover’ strategy. Longevity through evasion is the primary tactic of this rat-like kaiju. He is only aggressive when the power of overlords commands its weak mind. Without that control, this beast is content to sit back and others fight its battles,striding with the victors pleased with itself.

Destroyah  / IlhanOmar

Every cell of this monster has one purpose, death.From its creation through all its incarnation, this monstrous kaiju delights in the suffering and killing that empowers it. Few kaiju are its equal in devastating the living. Thus few are surprised once they see its final true demonic form.

King Ghidorah – Rashida Tlaib + AlexandiraOcasio-Cortez + Ilhan Omar

The false king, harkening to the biblical beast of many heads. An alien beast of destruction, whose purpose can only be summed up as pain. Though titled as a king, this kaiju is a pawn of unions and aliens intent on domination. But that does not stop the monster from spewing from its orifices and terrorizing populations. It is one of the few monsters that can rally virtually all kaiju in joining to ensure its defeat.

And the top 2020 election kaiju is….

1) Godzilla / President Donald J. Trump

Seriously, did you think it could be anyone else?Alarmists proclaim doom to all every time this king of kaiju is seen. Yet in almost all cases the reality is a defense of those defenseless against horrific danger. While there is always collateral damage that friends and foes alike can point to, there is no doubt that the ultimate benefits could not exist without this enormous beast. Not that some of the misguided powers that be haven’t tried to kill this kaiju, only to be surprised time after time that they merely awakened an anger they cannot combat.

Perhaps the most powerful weapon, driving fear into all other kaiju on this list and elsewhere, is the atomic breathe. A weapon that has successfully defeated every opponent to date. This weapon may be the most definining feature of a kaiju that is known world-wide at a glance.

There is little question that Godzilla is the king of kaiju, and 2020 appears to be no different than 2016.

About the Author

Michael Vass
Born in 1968, a political commentator for over a decade. Has traveled the U.S. and lived in Moscow and Tsblisi, A former stockbroker and 2014 Congressional candidate. Passionate about politics with emphasis on 1st and 2nd Amendments.

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