President Obama report card so far…

With 2011 ending and the 2012 Presidential election quickly approaching we felt it was a good time to review. Due to the acedemic background of President Obama we thought it might be fun to look at it on the basis of courses.

Prerequisite –

Speaches and Lectures: Allows for the ability to speak to large masses of people and rally them without even making specific statements. Ie, “Transform America” which does not clarify a transformation to whatever; or “Change” which ignore what is changing and what it will change into.

Apologies 100: Allows the ability to summarily excuse any and all past actions. Requires the ability to insult and ignore allies (giving the Queen of England an Ipod of Obama speeches) while subjucating to less steadfast allies and wary foes (bows to equal heads of State, requesting Israel to give up lands won in a war they did not start).

Coursework:

Indecision 101: Will convey the ability to comb over every possible political ramification of a decision before taking any action whatsoever. An example would be taking 3 months to balance the desire of the left to retreat from Iraq and Afghanistan, and the request from Generals in the field for additional troops (whose guidance was promised to be followed on the campaign trail) with an end result of taking a political middle ground of only granting part of the requests.

An added ability granted from the course is the ability to speak to dedicated future military leaders who are required to appear en masse and with no connection to their commitment (never served in military), tell them why political inaction is preferred to their service.

Grade – Passed

Parades 201: Teaches how to gain political momentum from a decade of effort by predecessors and a military, and upon success accept all the accolades while only giving passing reference to that effort. Critial test is accepting credit for a military plan to achieve an end goal, that in no way matches or resembles any military doctrine or plan previously enacted.

Ie. Osama bin Laden

Grade – A

Future Greatness 203: Will provide the critical techniques to win over supporters through the use of vague speaches, while taking actions in direct opposition to those speeches, to gain unwarranted and unprecedented fame and priviledge. Successful students may even hope to win a Nobel Prize for actions that may or may not ever happen in the future.

Grade – A++

Bait and Switch 210: Grants the ability to offer highly valued services and objectives, and then replace that with ineffective, costly, less desired alternatives that no one would accept if original offered. Critical to have supermajority, and the ability to cajole or bribe supermajority, into approving.

Ie. Health Care Reform Law

Grade – What just happened?

Basic Checkbooks: Teaches the skill of spending no more than what is earned.

Grade – Drunken sailor that just won the lottery

Macro Economics: Teaches the ability to maintain and grow large-scale economies.

Grade – Fail

Networking 225: Student will learn to make friends, and grow relationships with potential future political and economic allies. Course includes evaluating existing networks (Israel, England, NATO, Europe, China) and setting priorities with new networks (Arab Spring).

Grade – Incomplete

Military Strategy and Tactics 355: Student will understand how to utilize troops and political objectives in the most beneficial manner. Critical test is learning how to observe existing rules (War Powers Act)

Grade – Bombing is not an Hostile Action (Libya)

Leadership 375: Learn how to maintian allies and supporters (Matt Damon, Far-Left) while guiding large masses with decisive actions and statements (Debt Deal, Debt Ceiling, National Credit Rating), and win over detractors (Independants, Republicans).

Grade – What does SNAFU mean?

Misdirection 400: The ability to redirect any and all critique and blame onto anyone else besides the CEO/Principal/Head of State.

Ie In the face of factual and self-generated data showing that every objective promised was missed (Stimulus, Make Homes Affordable Act), even with the use of undefineable terminology (“saved jobs”), claim success anyway and blame opponents. Then offer the same program with the same objectives again with a new name (American Jobs Act) and ridicule anyone that points out the repetativeness of the action.

Grade – Outstanding A++

Courseload for 2012

Appeasement 425 or Arthur Neville Chamberlain: Will allow for the ability to pacify opposition by granting them their wishes. Upon completion, will be able to provide “valuable contribution towards the pacification and appeasement” of enemies of State.

Ie. Releasing Mullah Mohammed Fazl as “part of a trust-building effort to renew peace talks next year with the Taliban”.

Grade – Incomplete

PhD requirement

Re-election 2012: Provides ability to ignore any failure, misstatements, inaction, and lack of leadership through the use of eloquent reading of transcript speeches and vague campaign promises. Also applies the ability to manage spending massive amounts of money on advertising to smear and throw mud at opponents with even incredible long-shot odds.

Grade – will be determined on Nov 4, 2012

About the Author

Michael Vass
Born in 1968, a political commentator for over a decade. Has traveled the U.S. and lived in Moscow and Tsblisi, A former stockbroker and 2014 Congressional candidate. Passionate about politics with emphasis on 1st and 2nd Amendments.

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